I ran two miles today–the second day in a row. Yay me! This morning as I ran, I tried to pray, but mostly I just cried in frustration. I am not suicidal or despondent or even bereft of happiness or hope. I have blessings and they are counted and appreciated.
The following prayer is what I wanted to express to the Father…
I don’t know how to pray anymore.
I am not sure I ever did.
Gone are all the words of majestic grandeur. The ability to ascribe wonder, awe, and amazement toward your great and bountiful blessings seems to be a thing of the past.
These days almost every time I try to pray it becomes some wordless groan and cry filled with anger, hurt, bitterness, and questions.
Let’s not forget the rage.
I am glad scripture affirms that the Holy Spirit interprets for you. He’s probably working overtime to translate my frustrations into legible communication.
I am tired.
I am weary.
I am sick to death of struggling, scratching, and clawing.
Rebuilding is hard work often with more steps backwards than forward.
I’m guessing you know that to be the understatement of the century.
I am a fighter, not a quitter, so you’re gonna have to deal with me for a long time to come.
But you have to know this hurts. You have to.
This. Hurts. Horribly.
And it leaves me feeling inadequate at best and a loser at worst–even as I know I am not.
You have to know how badly I want some relief, some breathing room, some respite, just a small amount of security.
Is that too much to ask?
Honestly, it feels like it must be the hardest, biggest, largest thing anybody ever pleaded with you for…
Do I need to be punished for something? Is there some lesson you have picked for me to either learn or be the example of? Do I need to remind you there is a house here full with four wonderful boys and one amazing woman who are paying the price too?
In case you missed it, there are thousands and thousands of people on this planet who feel the same way. The exact same way.
We are not asking for riches.
We are not asking for every little wrinkle in the road to be smoothed over.
We are not asking for something foreign that no one else has ever experienced
On the other hand, many of us are striving with everything we have to live lives not defined by our past or even the horrors or difficulties that so easily overwhelm us. To the contrary, we want lives that are defined by hope, a better tomorrow.
We know you can fix it all, and while we would love that, we would be greatly satisfied with feeling, knowing your presence in concrete ways that help us see better days and eased struggles somewhere close on the horizon.
And like Abraham of old, we ask, Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?
Les Ferguson, Jr.