I guess you might read the title of this blog and think somebody might have anger management issues.
That somebody being me.
Hi, my name is Les and I am angry.
Except, I am really not. I try to be angry at God and sometimes it flares up a little, but mostly? Mostly I am just hurt and frustrated. I constantly hear people giving God credit for all these incredible things they accomplish or acquire.
And I wonder… What are they doing different?
I am trying to write a book. If I could find a way to write for a big hunk of each day, I think it wouldn’t take long. But the reality is that often days/ weeks go by where life too easily gets in the way. That makes me angry at myself…
Anyway, I’m on the third title for this thing and at this point I have settled quite nicely on A Jacob Life.
But the last couple of days, I have felt more like Esau calling out to and begging his father, Isaac with a loud and bitter cry, “Oh my father, what about me? Bless me, too!”
And He has in some incredibly amazing ways. I am thankful for them. But (there’s always a but, isn’t there?), is it wrong to want more? Is it wrong to want a new ministry, stability, and peace? Is it wrong to want my children’s pain to be taken away? Is it wrong to want others to be a little more understanding of the difficulties we still face?
Some of those difficulties are people and their attitudes/ judgments about what we did, what I did, or, better yet, didn’t do. Some of those judgmental attitudes are enough to make me go postal… or at least write a blog about wanting to punch somebody.
Here’s an anonymous comment I received the other day:
A man raped your son multiple times and you did what? File a police report? If you had been a real man and eliminated the piece of trash, guess who’d still be alive today? Quit blaming others and situations. You failed to protect your family. Next time your kids ask for answers on why mommy isn’t around…tell them the truth.
I have to admit that hurt.
It made me sick to my stomach.
It also tapped into one of my biggest fears… could I have kept that from happening?
Believe me, I have wanted to kill Paul Buckman. And bring him back to life to kill him again. And again.
But I can’t no matter how badly I night want to.
What he did to my family was horrific.
What we do to each other with our words, attitudes, and judgments is pretty horrible too.
Remember the old childhood ditty? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words may never hurt me…
It’s a lie.
And the pain stays with you longer than you might imagine.
“Oh my father, what about me? Bless me, too!”
Les Ferguson, Jr.