I Want To Punch Somebody

I guess you might read the title of this blog and think somebody might have anger management issues.

That somebody being me.

Hi, my name is Les and I am angry.

Except, I am really not. I try to be angry at God and sometimes it flares up a little, but mostly? Mostly I am just hurt and frustrated. I constantly hear people giving God credit for all these incredible things they accomplish or acquire.

And I wonder… What are they doing different?

I am trying to write a book. If I could find a way to write for a big hunk of each day, I think it wouldn’t take long. But the reality is that often days/ weeks go by where life too easily gets in the way. That makes me angry at myself…

Anyway, I’m on the third title for this thing and at this point I have settled quite nicely on A Jacob Life.

But the last couple of days, I have felt more like Esau calling out to and begging his father, Isaac with a loud and bitter cry, “Oh my father, what about me? Bless me, too!”

And He has in some incredibly amazing ways. I am thankful for them. But (there’s always a but, isn’t there?), is it wrong to want more? Is it wrong to want a new ministry, stability, and peace? Is it wrong to want my children’s pain to be taken away? Is it wrong to want others to be a little more understanding of the difficulties we still face?

Some of those difficulties are people and their attitudes/ judgments about what we did, what I did, or, better yet, didn’t do. Some of those judgmental attitudes are enough to make me go postal… or at least write a blog about wanting to punch somebody.

Here’s an anonymous comment I received the other day:

Hey Les,
A man raped your son multiple times and you did what? File a police report? If you had been a real man and eliminated the piece of trash, guess who’d still be alive today? Quit blaming others and situations. You failed to protect your family. Next time your kids ask for answers on why mommy isn’t around…tell them the truth.

I have to admit that hurt.

It made me sick to my stomach.

It also tapped into one of my biggest fears… could I have kept that from happening?

Believe me, I have wanted to kill Paul Buckman. And bring him back to life to kill him again. And again.
And again.
And Again.

But I can’t no matter how badly I night want to.

What he did to my family was horrific.
What we do to each other with our words, attitudes, and judgments is pretty horrible too.

Remember the old childhood ditty? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words may never hurt me…

It’s a lie.
They hurt.

And the pain stays with you longer than you might imagine.

“Oh my father, what about me? Bless me, too!”

Les Ferguson, Jr.

61 thoughts on “I Want To Punch Somebody

  1. Whomever wrote that comment to you probably IS a child predator/molester. Especially, since it sounds like he wants to provoke a fight so that someone will put him out of his guilt and misery!

    That kind of talk makes me angry for about half a second…then I just feel sorry for them – it’s sad that some people are so profoundly ignorant…the only thing you can do is pity them.

  2. Les, I’m sorry you were subjected to that very judmental, insensitive comment. I hope he never has to walk a mile in your shoes! No one really knows what they would do until they are faced with an event that totally changes their life & causes them to doubt everything. Some are not smart enough to know when to keep their mouth. I hope that hasn’t describe me tonight! 😀 Your post always makes me think & exmaine myself! Thanks for being so totally honest!

      • I read your post and all i could do was cry. I never had the things happen to me that you have had and i am so sorry! I just want you to no that you are a good man! However, the man that did that was a bad man! Sometimes,why will never be only the pain bad people leave for others to deal with!

  3. Dear Brother
    There will always be critics, just as there will always be woulda, coulda, shoulda, thoughts and feelings in your heart. I am so sorry that people can be so cruel with their comments, especially those have not even been close to walking in your shoes. There are so many of us who prayed and cared when this horrible event happened and we began to hear about it. There are even more now who keep up with what you have to say and we continue to pray and care. We wish we had some instant, magical power to take this all away for you, we however are not able to do that. We fervantly pray for you and your family to be healed by the mercy and love from our Lord. We ask our Father above to shower down blessings on each of you. We pray for the healing of your heart and your spirit.
    In Jesus
    Donald & Tamara Davis

  4. Anonymous commenter: where does one even start with that one? A real man would provide his name/website/email address.

    So glad you did not murder the predator. Very, very much admire your integrity in the situation.

    Even though no one, NO ONE, would ever want to endure hardship just because it may help another, your writing does indeed inspire many.

  5. Attacks such as these are why I had to put controls and barriers on my blogs. Cowards will always attack from the shadows, or from the keyboards of computers located in their mommie’s basements.

    Righteous men have always had to suffer from the idiotic opinions of cowards. Imagine how hard it was for Joseph to hear the gossip about Mary. But he remained righteous — tsadiq. So have you. And you know what Joseph knew — being righteous comes with a huge price tag.

    And a community. And you are in ours.

  6. What. An. Ass. A cowardly, ignorant, foolish, less than human, piece of junk. If you discover their identity, it would serve them right to publish their name and email. I would send a message letting them know exactly how I feel – and would leave my name.

  7. Les, the best response to Mr. Anonymous’ comment is no response at all. Such a comment is made for only one reason….to start a fight, to start a hurtful exchange. I believe we can refer to him as a cyber-Bully. I guess it is the price you pay for ‘laying it all out there’ and sharing your struggles toward healing with those of us who care and mourn and celebrate with you each step of this difficult journey. Personally, I admire your internal fortitude and sense of right and wrong to handle the situation as you did. No one, including Mr. Anonymous, could have predicted the extreme outcome. You are a Godly man chastised by a Godless man. Sound familiar?

  8. i am so sorry some pathetic individual said such astoundingly horrible things to u. what a hideous display of ignorant venom. those of us fortunate enough to have not suffered as ur family has have no business even daring to tread in that direction, let alone bashing u for coping and being courageous enough to share this knowing the foolish people out there who could get ahold of it and have such ridiculousness to say in response. truly you are brave, and many of us are rooting for you and your family and praying for you. keep holding on and doing what you are doing. your words may do untold good in the future. we never know what can happen any given time God forbid it happen to anyone else, but no one is immune and no one has any idea what they would do until they are hit with it. don’t let someone like that discourage you. hang on and keep going. maybe we can all encourage one another somehow. love and prayers to u and ur family.

  9. My first reaction reading that was I don’t believe anyone could be that insensitive, but sadly after a few seconds I do believe it. There are those who delight in picking a target and letting rip. Hard as it is, my prayer for him, whoever he maybe, is that he does not ever have to suffer as you have. Sadly, it is not something that you, or anyone else, can “bin” from your memory, have it gone forever. But there is so much love and caring and concern for you and your family, from those you know and those you don’t, that hopefully will cover over such a disgusting vitriolic cowardly statement as much as possible to enable you to continue on your journey.
    Your followers are obviously inspired by your “warts and all”, blog, or we wouldn’t be reading.
    There are countless platitudes that come to mind, but I don’t want to go that route, we all know them in our hearts but at this time they also hurt a bit.
    I pray that God will eventually ease your pain in some way.
    Keep on keeping on! (There I finished with one anyway!!)

  10. Les, there are always those who look back and think they might have handled some situation differently…and they usually think they might have done a better job. I agree with Bill Chenault, that person is likely a rapist, child predator, or even a murderer. He is evil. You are a law abiding man…one who did as any other law abiding person would have done. You filed charges against Paul Buckman. No one could have known what was going to happen. We cannot, as much as we might like at times, see into the future. Please know you and your family are in my prayers. Your heart-breaking story should lead all of us to realize we should never take anyone we love for granted. Because we do not know what the next minute, the next hour, the next day will bring. May God bless you and may you begin to heal.

  11. Whoever wrote that comment is a fool! They dont know you or what youve gone through. I personally know first hand how you and Karen did everything in your power to protect your family. People love to make comments and judge but those people have never lived your life and hopefully never will. Paul Buckman was a coward! The person who left the anonymous comment is a coward! You are NOT a coward! You have opened your heart amd your soul and your feelings to everyone with your blog. There will always be negative people ready and willing to judge but theyve never lived a day an hour a minute of your life. They have no idea the struggles you deal with on a daily basis. You are an amazing husband father son brother uncle and friend!!! Keep writing….keep sharing….keep loving!

  12. Les:There are “no”words for that insensitive,heartless response to your situation. A few years ago,2 wks before Christmas,our 6 yr old neice went to the mailbox to see if she had any more birthday cards. She was killed instantly by a car driven by a woman that was most likely on the phone. It wasnt investigated properly,because it was said by a police officer…”it was a hispanic child”,her grandmother was Phillipino descent. The woman wasnt taken in for drug&alcohol testing for “hours”later. It was a clear day,she was wearing a white coat,straight road,the lady never saw her! Why. My brother& his family had to endure several comments on line w/thoughtless people saying it was their fought that she was in the road. It was a country rd in Alabama. It wasnt unusual for a child that age to check the mailbox.Like our families pain wasnt already acute enough w/o mean,sick comments from a few mean sick people. Thank God for the hearts “full”of love&kindness that came running toward us&you. The ones that still do. Much love,many,many prayers. Vicki

  13. Dear Les,
    I can hardly believe that someone would make such a cruel statement…and anonymously at that. And wrong. But I know that it still hurt. I’m sorry.

    Writing a book…I started writing Gift of Purity in 2009. I got my first copy in hand last week. It is a slow process, but your end result will be stronger with time. Sort of like a good home made soup. It’s best if you don’t rush it. Love you and praying for you.

  14. Les, two things to me are so alarming about this persons comment: (1) that any one would express such an attitude to someone who has suffered so much and (2) to consider this may well have been a “christian” who posted this vemon. I can not imagine how much it hurt, and you do not deserve that in the lest. It is evident you believed and followed Romans 13: 1-6 in your actions no matter how you felt inside. According to verse 1 the higher powers are “ordained” of God and verse 4 “For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid; for he beareth not the sword in vain: for he is the minister of God, a revenger to execute wrath upon him that doeth evil” (KJV)
    The higher powers did not do what they should and the evil doer had opportunity to create such horror in your life due to that. Your actions demonstrated strength and not cowardice.
    Les, give yourself a break. Everytime I read your post and consider what you have been through, I ask myself could I be where you are today striving so diligently to get back on track with your life and faith, if this had happened to me. You have nothing but my admiration and prayers that God will lead you to where you are so desperately trying go/return to. (Ken)

  15. I can relate Les. I wish that people would be more sensitive to our pain. In my experience folks simply do not know what to do and they rely on religious cliches (like Job did at first) when they speak. In most situations I think that they are speaking from their own pain – many of the folks that I speak to are dealing with a broken heart of their own. Here’s hoping that your witness will help them heal.

  16. I don’t think you should give a second thought to what that man said. There are some people out there who just like to go off on things they know nothing about…and I think they get enjoyment from other people’s pain. And even more enjoyment knowing they can push that knife in even further. Don’t let them do that to you. We will continue to pray for you and your family and trust that God gets all of you through this.

  17. Whoever sent that comment is a raving idiot who has not walked in your shoes, nor would this person want to trade places – or know what to do if they did.

    Keep walking and climbing – there are a bunch of us walking and climbing with you.

  18. Les, I see and hear your pain in every word of your posts. I pray God will comfort and heal your broken heart. I’m sorry that some people say the cruelest things. May I never be one of those. If we could see into the future, I’m sure we would all change a lot of things. You are a wonderful human being with feelings and I’m so glad you share them here on your blog. God bless you and your family.

  19. Wow. Unfortunately it never ceases to amaze me just how supremely insensitive some people can be. If you want to punch said anonymous jerk in the face, I will pretend not to have seen anything 🙂

    But seriously, though, stay strong. I’m sorry that the idiots of the world are so virulent and loud. The best and worst thing about this life is that we have no way of knowing how life might have been better (or a lot worse) if we’d chosen another path.

  20. Okay, there’s nothing I can add to the shock and disgust felt for your annoymous commentor…. But I will say this anonymously for what I hope are obvious reasonns. I so feared my father would have that violent reaction to rape that I kept my mouth shut. He would never have said such a heinous thing to you, but he may have taken up arms for himself. And that would have only caused my family more pain– murder trials, the chance he would end up in prison, the effect of his revenge would have hurt more than it would have helped. In fact my mother once told me of her gratitude that none of her children had been abused because of her fears of what my father would do. So I kept silent, grateful for hotlines when depression became unbearable.
    Men who think as that commentor are only thinking of themselves while ignoring what’s happening the rest of the family. They are selfish, only concerned with how they feel.

  21. What a disgusting, evil human being. No, is he/she even human??? jklasdfkl;ja;lksdjfl;a THAT MAKES ME SICK. I am so disturbed from that. I’m sorry you cannot un-read it and it haunts you. 🙁 So so sorry.

  22. The main thing I will say, Dad, is this–and I hope the anonymous person reads this loud and clear… Let me say as one of the kids whose “mommy isn’t around” anymore, THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT DAD! IN NO WAY!

  23. Les,
    Your blog always makes me think. I am one of the fortunate ones who has not had the horrible things happen anywhere close to yours. The day you came to the Y to join, I had to ” take a moment” after meeting you. My heart went out to you and your family. I also realized that we never know who we will meet on any given day. You made a very positive impression on me. You lived through something most of us thankfully cannot imagine. You managed to smile that day!

    I will never understand why people feel the need to judge others and put them down. We all make decisions every day. We try to do what we feel is best for our families. I have an immense respect for you and your decision to live and to help others through your writings and speaking engagements.

    We all question why. That may not be for us to know now. People like you will help us delve deep into ourselves and see what we see.

    Thank you for sharing your feelings.


  24. Les, I am like your other readers in that I, too, would like to be in line to wield a punch at this coward–more than a punch–I would like to punch his/her guts out! I read your post when you wrote it and was so appalled I couldn’t even comment at first. I read through the comments last night but still couldn’t formulate what I wanted to say…but in the clear light of day my thoughts are that this coward, especially, (and the other woman from your church that made the comment about your son enjoying what the predator did) are not comments of just stupidity. I know I can’t judge their hearts, only God can do that, but I can judge their actions by the discernment that God gives and their actions are pure and simply evil! People make stupid comments when they trip over their own words, not knowing what to say, but these comments were made in the “kick him while he’s down” spirit and that is pure malice and intentionally evil. I pray for God to give you a shield of faith, even while your are limping, held up by those of us who may be on sturdier legs at the moment to shield you from those fiery darts of the devil. I know I had prayer warriors lifting me and my family up when I couldn’t pray, so please know that we are standing with you. Your willingness to show your vulnerability certainly attracts these fiery darts. Makes me think of the image of Moses when Aaron and Joshua had to hold his arms up in battle so the Israelites would not be defeated. Please know that we are holding you up by our prayers!
    Your friend in Christ,
    p.s. I say again, Karen and Cole and my son are at perfect peace now and safer than they could ever be. Hard for us still remaining….

  25. p.p.s. And as much as I don’t want to….I pray for those two people who would make such evil attacks. May God rescue their souls and set them on the right track!!

  26. p.p.p.s. Yes, I promise this is the last p.s. hopefully for today but one additional thought from a fellow griever (further down the road), please go easy on yourself…not only do you carry your own burden of grief for your wife and son, but you also carry grief for each of your children and especially for Casey whose tender age makes all the loss so heart rending. It is just what we as parents do and it just adds to our already heavy load….again, prayers, prayers and more prayers!

  27. WHAT?????? Who on earth is so cruel? Oh my gosh, I wanna find this person and set them in the dirt with just their heads sticking out and get a fire engine hose and spray them til they bleed… wait…. that was not very Christian of me…. don’t listen to that nonsense, Les. You did what was legally right to do…. Paul Buchman was a monster and he would have found a way to do it if he wanted to that badly… YOU HAD NO WAY of knowing what was happening/going to happen. I’m disgusted!

  28. I suffered loss one time, but as it turns out it was nothing in comparison to yours. All these years later, I’m actually grateful for what I lost. I’m sure you never will be. And that’s why it’s all the more painful when that man of courage, ANONYMOUS, gives such wise advice after the fact. Isn’t it ironic…he derides you for your lack of courage while hiding behind his anonymity? I respect your ministry and your willingness to be transparent. Thanks! Life for true believers is a battle…a full-scale war. Keep on fighting, for our sake as well as your own. And remember, there are possibly millions who like me have been tormented by your story since it was first announced in our fellowship.

  29. A neighbor of mine raped me two years ago. The police couldn’t do much to help me, and I was dumbfounded when the man walked away. In all that time I am not sure what was worse, the blatantly harsh criticism or the ones you trust speaking so insensitively it cuts as deeply, or deeper. It gets to a point where you question the reality of what happened… did I fight hard enough? did I seek help soon enough? did I do anything to cause it? … and worse. Each day I carry the shame, and it’s all I can do not to be sucked down the rabbit hole with self-doubt. I thank God for His deliverance and for staying with me through the rape and through the loss of the part of myself that won’t be coming back. He speaks truth to my soul above the noise, and though the blessings don’t look like they thought they would. He mends slowly what was shattered. My heart and my prayers go with you brother. I pray for your peace.

    • Ashley. I can’t begin to know your pain. But I do feel your frustration, anger, etc. I hope you have a good support group around you–positive people that will work hard to lift you up!

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