As I write this, I have been plugged up, stuck with needles, and humiliated in a hospital gown while being evaluated for a heart attack. Everything came back normal and I did not want to stay overnight for observation…
I have a new mistress. At least three of them. They are not quite identical triplets, but you can’t miss the familial connection.
If you read the word new as implying an old or previous mistress existed, you would be correct.
But before I tell you about the new, let me regale you with the old.
This previous mistress was young, exciting, and beautiful. Being intimate with her brought gratification like you wouldn’t believe. The degree to which she stroked my ego was off the charts.
This former preacher was powerless to turn away. She captivated my every waking thought. I couldn’t get enough of her.
Who couldn’t be intoxicated with a woman like that?
And sadly enough, this affair was always out in the open. I never hid it. I never denied it. In fact, I celebrated it. When my family protested, I always had an excuse, always had a reason to immerse myself further into her sweet embrace.
She was a charmer, that one.
I don’t regret the relationship with the church. After all, being a preacher was my calling. It was my identity and purpose all rolled into one. But with blinders on, I never quite realized how much of me my family was denied. I know they supported me, but too often they played second fiddle to my time, attention, and heart.
And my new mistresses?
The first two are guilt and regret. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, but I am deeply involved with both. I cannot change the past no matter how badly I want to. I cannot say I am sorry. I cannot make amends.
The only thing I can do is try so very hard to not make the same mistakes again.
Guilt and regret are hard to live with…
Those two mistresses have led me to their sister, fear.
For months I have been suffering in her embrace. I can hardly move forward with my life for fear the next shoe is going to drop–for fear that the strides we have made, the happiness that has come will be stripped away again.
As silly as it may seem to some, I have been living with fear, certain I was dying, and convinced I could do nothing about it.
I am a nervous wreck and logical or not, fear has become my constant companion.