Saturday Night’s All Right! (So Sue Me For liking Elton John Songs)

I have been busier than ever imagined or hoped with real estate.
Did I say busy?
Yes, busy.
Very, very busy!

It is at times exciting, fun, and frustrating.
I think it will eventually pay the bills.
That’s even more exciting for reasons obvious.

But, working is seriously cramping my style.
My writing style, that is.

I have planned to take a day off once a week to devote to writing for the past four… it hasn’t happened yet. But, having speaking opportunities (the more the merrier, hint, hint) ensures I will make time to write, think, and study. We are working at creating an absolutely fabulous place here at the house for that very purpose.

Still I am grateful. (And convinced a sermon will get finished somehow, some way in time for June 30th… and that’s pretty funny considering in my old life, sermons were always done by Tuesday evening–always).

I am not complaining. I am, to the contrary, joyously happy for the distractions of life that mean we are still living. Learning to be in the moment is to relish those moments as they happen. There is immeasurable riches and richness in that.

So, from that perspective, stolen moments to write–like now, are relaxing. We are sitting on a bench at the outlet mall. Becky is shopping. The other boys are doing whatever teenage boys do in a place like this. Casey is sitting beside me eating a scoop of rainbow sherbet in a waffle cone. And I am fully relaxed and amazed at the sunset spread out before me (while valiantly fighting the urge to get my own ice cream cone).

I still wrestle with God.
I mourn the relationship I thought I had with Him.
My spiritual limp is pretty evident.
My prayers are fraught with doubt and questions.
I long for the ability to trust once again–for the knowledge that my trust is not in vain.
I crave the experiential presence of God.
I often feel a weird disconnect (which is probably more in my mind than anywhere else) with friends and acquaintances from the past… like I don”t quite fit in.
On occasion, I am surprised and overcome when least expected with powerful episodes of tears and anger. I still hurt. Badly.

But, in spite of it all, God has managed quite nicely to help me find more peace than frustration, more tranquility than anxiousness, and more joy than sadness.

Who couldn’t be happy with that?

Les Ferguson, Jr.

17 thoughts on “Saturday Night’s All Right! (So Sue Me For liking Elton John Songs)

  1. Nice post Les! Love the way that you have described what it means to wrestle with God. Good riddance (for me anyways) to a faith that does not doubt or question. Glad to be rid of (in part anyways) to a Pollyanna flavor of faith that does not deal with the gut-wrenching problems and questions of life. Give me wrestling any day! ツ

  2. I am so proud of you! I have a mental memory of a young preacher riding off in a car he had dreamed of, listening to music he loved (Elton John?). Life was good! I remember you fondly!
    I have been reading your writings and observing your progress on your journey. So glad that you have Becki to accompany you! I truly believe that we will all benefit from your discoveries through your writings. And yes, there has to be a great book!

  3. Eat the ice cream!

    Sermon writing and selling houses. How are those two things alike? More than most people know, I suspect.

    • Sermon Writing and Selling Houses!

      Sounds like a great title for a new post Les!

      Many of us would enjoy hearing your take on how these two jobs are different and how they are alike. Just don’t tell us that you are selling house on Sunday. 🙂

  4. This is a great post and it sounds like you have passed a milestone. I hope that days like this come more and more and closer together. And as you continue on this path, your experience with God will deepen; you will get that relationship with Him that you want, but having been tried by fire, it will be infinitely more precious. Your day is encouraging to those of us who are also finding our way.

  5. I am constantly saddened at your being mad, untrustful and angry at God. Having never walked in your shoes, I cannot fully relate, yet your blaming God when satan and man did such evil to you and your family make me sad..God is good, God is good all the time. He never changes, and He never stops wanting to heal you and give you His peace. It’s your choice to reach out and accept it and find Freedom!!! I pray you’ll be able to do that soon for your sake and Becki’s. I pray for your spirit, soul and body to be healed.

    • Interesting how we each read the words that Les writes and process them differently Mary. I read about how Les struggles and wrestles and I see a strong, honest and genuine faith. You read the same words and find fault. I pray that you will never have to suffer in the ways that Les has but I also pray that you will come to understand how those who wrestle and struggle have a strong faith that many simply cannot understand.

    • Dear Mary,
      I am so glad you are reading my blog–my journey back to trust, faith, etc is very much alive and well. I am preaching again this Sunday at a large church in Jackson. I think Sandra is going to go with us!

      Thankfully, I am not the first nor will I be the last to have anger toward God. I am glad He is big enough to handle it–I am thankful that he welcomes the dialogue and walks with me through it.

      If anger toward God was verboten, then a large chunk of Scripture would be missing. A great portion of the psalms, lamentations, Jeremiah, etc. are expressions of anger, despair, frustration, and the all encompassing question of why…

      Being a minister’s wife, I suspect you too would be angry if your whole world was ripped away… If you lost family, job, faith, security, insurance, and a house to boot… My anger and frustration are much better than they were. God and I are limping along–and wrestling together.

      Did you know that Jacob’s name change to Israel meant “God Wrestles”?

      God is still wrestling with me. We have good days and bad. More good than bad at this point. I don’t blame God for the evil done to my family. I blame God for not protecting us. For not being the Father who saves… And there is my trust issue. How do I trust that He will take care of my new family when He obviously didn’t take care of my old?

      What should my expectations be? Then again, this is all a part of my wrestling and growing with Him. I suspect I will have an entirely different ministry–I see it happening even now.

      At any rate, I so appreciate your long distance friendship and concern. Thank you for wrestling with me too.

      Blessings to you and yours. I hope I get to meet your family one day on this side of eternity.

      Les

      • I am glad we serve a God that is large enough to handle our doubts and even anger when we don’t understand. I am so glad the scriptures expose those other humans that wrestled with their faith. I know that is no accident and was recorded for those of us who do struggle and give us courage to limp on. Keeping on writing, brother!

  6. I was going to respond until I read a particular response and now I best just keep quiet! But your honesty and integrity in the midst of all you’ve been through is refreshing. And rare in a world of trite, feel good, religious platitudes.

  7. No weird disconnect here, my friend. I sometimes wonder/marvel at how you can make so much progress so quickly (and it makes me joyful that you have done so) – I doubt it could have happened without God. God is good. Wrestling is good. Limping sucks, but it beats the alternative. Love ya!

  8. Les, I continue to appreciate your willingness and honesty in posting your feelings about your wrestling with God. You have the courage to write what many of us feel but are reluctant to commit to written word. I think that some of these people who are saying that you blame God for what happened have never had a crisis for which they feel God could have changed the outcome but didn’t. Maybe that is why they think you are blaming God. I know, as do you, that God is not to blame for the devil’s handiwork. God does not condone evil but does allow it to happen. Therein lies our “wrestling.” Keep on teaching through this blog. It is very needed. I, too, am glad to see you having more “happy” days than sad.

    Donna

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