***Warning*** You May Need A Box of Tissues!!
I am terrified.
I am terrified to write what I am thinking.
I am terrified to think what I am about to write.
I know it is the truth. I know it is the truth. I know it is the truth.
And maybe if I keep telling myself, I will believe it with my heart and mind.
But it is a close, close thing, this that I write, feel, question, doubt, believe, and get mad about all at the same time. I try to find peace all while wanting to shout, scream, rail, and shake my fist at the sky.
I am literally sitting here afraid to put the words on the page. Some will read them and instantly understand. Some might read them and think I am finally ready for prime time Loony Tunes.
I belong to both groups.
How I wish with all my heart that this dilemma was not mine. I would rather have never been born. But not being born would have meant missing some incredible moments of living–both before and after the tragedy that changed everything.
I see the hand of God in my life. I feel the blessing of God in my life. I am still mad at Him–and thankful He loves me anyway.
And I am delaying the inevitable.
I have to write.
I don’t want to write.
I will write.
These are the words I hate/love: On October 10, 2011, my son Cole, my precious beloved son, Cole, had his most special day ever.
How special? On October 10, 2011, Cole took his first whole, perfect step into an eternity of bliss holding his mother’s hand and the hands of Jesus.
I am so angry God never let me see him whole, well, and functioning like the young man we hoped and prayed about.
I am so angry he had to suffer and struggle his entire life.
I am so angry that people like Paul Buckman are allowed to personify Satan and walk the earth stealing, killing, and destroying.
I am striving with all I am and will ever be to see Cole, not as the helpless victim of murder, but as God fully intended him to one day be…
It is so hard to want my son with me and at the same time be thankful his problems, heartaches, and struggles are no more.
Dilemma? Yes, it’s the conundrum I live with.
If you remember in Cole’s Special Day, Part 1, I made mention of my new belief regarding the Holy Spirit? I believe when those four gun shots were fired, Cole and his mother were no longer there. I believe the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, was shielding them from those final terrifying moments–and long before the echoes of gunfire faded away, they were walking the streets of gold…
In the meantime, I am going to live and celebrate life. I am going to enjoy and love my family. I am going to do more than survive; I am going to thrive.
There is still a great adventure ahead of me. No doubt I will continue to wrestle with God. And in this world I may limp from my struggle, but one of these days, a certain young man and I are going to have the best footrace ever!
Don’t you wanna go to that Land? Don’t you wanna go to that Land? Don’t you wanna go to that Land? Where I’m bound, where I’m bound.