So Many Whys

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***Warning:Hard Questions Ahead***

Years ago, I belonged to the Kiwanis Club. It was a good organization. I made some friends. We did some good things. I even served as chapter president one year.

Aren’t you proud?

I was particularly gratified by the way we partnered with Wal-Mart and our church to provide backpacks full of school supplies to kids who really needed the help.

Becki and I want to start the Ferguson Family Foundation in Karen and Cole’s memory. Not sure how to go about it yet or any of the legalities involved–and I am not asking for donations–let me repeat I am not asking for donations. At least not now.

One of the ideas we are kicking around is “Backpacks for Cole.”

I hope being proactive to honor their memory will help find me find some measure of peace.

In the here and now though, I still have so many questions of God. I still struggle hard attempting to understand his nature or why he didn’t intervene.

And I am weary of his new club I am in.

I believe God is good, but how can a good God not stop such an atrocity?

If I, as a father stood by and watched that evil scum rape and terrorize my son and lift nary a hand to stop it, I would be complicit in the crime and a horrible father to boot.

And yet…

That’s exactly what God did. He knew what was happening to my boy.

He knew. And did nothing!

All that pain.

All that fear.

All that terror magnified over and over again until two bullets to the brain ended it all.

Why I ask, why I rail, why I rage did God not smite that evil man with a mighty blow before his horror could be inflicted?

Why?

Why?

Why did the Father God of a precious, innocent, handicapped, and defenseless child stand idly by and do nothing?

Were all the prayers over the years for healing, safety, normalcy just empty words without meaning in a heavenly nuthouse?

Why?

I know God hears my complaint.

And still the questions remain unanswered even as they accumulate.

Why did Cole’s mother have to fight so hard and for naught. Why was Karen forced to swing a hatchet over and over again in a fruitless effort to save both of their lives?

Why does a 15 year old have to wrestle with such grown up questions?

Why does a 6 year old have to tie letters to helium balloons to send to his mother?

This week I had the opportunity to share lunch with a man on the two month anniversary of losing his teenage son.

I am not alone in the asking why?

He and I have been inducted forcibly into a new club neither of us want to be in.

And we cry why and the silence is deafening.

Why,  Lord , do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? (Psalm 10:1 NIV)

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?  My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. (Psalm 22:1, 2 NIV)

 I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?”  My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?” (Psalm 42:9, 10 NIV)

Why?

17 thoughts on “So Many Whys

  1. My brother, I am with you. For 12 long years I have asked where He was the night that my mom was killed by a drunk driver on her way to church. Couldn’t Mom have run late just that one night? Couldn’t there have been some sort of delay at any point in the day that would have made one of them late for that point in time?

    I have received 12 reminders in the form of Christmas cards each year from the District Attorney’s office that courageous and caring as they may be, law enforcement cannot supply the justice that we long for. They in their own way have simply walked alongside with me and my family; for that I am grateful.

    I can certainly speak to you about the idea of honoring your family’s memory via the foundation. It is a worthy thing. We were able to help set up a small scholarship at the private school where Mom taught to help a young student’s family afford the education if they desire it for their child.

    As you know, these are all reminders of what has been, what could have been, and what is now. I am trying my hardest not to get over it, but to live with it as best I can.

    I believe God is good as well. Better than I can imagine. And so I believe that He wants me to wrestle with Him, like Jacob did, and in the end, I will beg Him to bless me…

  2. I would love to know why too! The best I can come up with is…right now this is the devils playgroung. So heartbreaking. I look forward to knowing more about this foundation. Vivki

  3. Hey, Les. I’ve been seeing your post notices on Facebook but just sat down for the first time tonight to read them…all of them. So, I’m full of a jumble of emotions. First, thank you for writing. Though I do not personnally know anyone that has been through any horror that comes remotely close to what you have and are enduring, I know plenty, including myself, that have experienced times when we want to shout to God, “Why??!!” Many times I think we just try to somehow stuff the questions deep down inside and try to ignore them until they “go away” which of course, they don’t really do. Thank you for asking the questions for all of us. I love that you ended this blog with David’s questions. Since David was a “man after God’s own heart” by God’s description, and he still asked these questions, I figure God is o.k. with us asking the tough questions, too. So, thanks. Love you all.

  4. I just want you to know that you and your family are thought of so very often. I often wonder how you are and glad to run across your posts. May God bless you in your efforts to honor Karen and Cole. Your honesty in asking the ‘Why?’ is shared by so many.

  5. Les, I recently found your blog. Thank you for writing, thank you for honesty, thank you for authenticity. Thank you for articulating what the heart demands to know although answers may never come. Just thanks

  6. I suppose there are answers to your questions, but I’ve heard the answers (as have you) and they simply do not satisfy the pain in one’s heart. But you’ve not given up on God and that is the main thing….

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