At the risk of you thinking I am lying to myself about where I am emotionally and mentally, let me once again say I am in a really good place,
Some days are harder struggles than others. A friend from Long Beach, MS, Fred Walker, says it like this: “Some days you thrive; some days you survive.”
These days I thrive more than I just survive.
And not to be repetitive (although I guess I am), my beautiful wife has really helped me begin the process of learning how to fully live again.
Even on those days when all I want to do is cry, she picks me up and puts me back on solid ground. (Thanks Three Doors Down for the great Kryptonite lyric)
All that being said, I would be less than truthful if I failed to admit to some bitterness and anger.
More than just some.
If I didn’t force myself to let it go, I’d wallow in an anger so deep; I’d bask in a bitterness of deep despair.
I have some real and vivid complaints, however, I am not even sure getting them off my chest will actually get them off my chest.
In some cases I may engender some anger or embarrassment. But guess what? Nobody owns me any more and I can whine and complain if I want to.
I am angry that a man like Paul Buckman could be a pervert and nobody ever held him accountable. Nobody ever spoke up and put an end to his depravity. I am angry at a legal system that couldn’t protect the innocent any better than they did.
I am angry that so many fail to see or understand all the ramifications of this tragedy.
Sure. I get that not preaching anymore was and is a disappointment for some. But how anybody could expect me to jump back up and try to preach again is beyond me.
When you fall off a horse the best answer is to get back up and try again. News flash: I didn’t fall off a horse, I got blown out of the water! Just being at the church building made me gag. Every time I was there all I could see was two misshapen bodies lying in caskets they didn’t belong in.
To be fair, the church did give me six months to figure it out, but obviously those six months were nowhere near enough time for me to wrestle with God. And whether my feelings are accurate or not, they are my feelings.
In case you haven’t figured it out, I am still wrestling,
It seems like all I heard from people was how disappointed they were with me.
Sure I made my mistakes. Wouldn’t you have?
But if you are in the ranks of the disappointed, just know I was doing the best I knew how to do. I had never been a single father before. Starting all over was really scary. It still is.
And I counted on the promise of keeping my health insurance for the rest of the year while I tried to reinvent my life. That didn’t happen. And it became a huge financial problem on top of everything else.
Here’s where it gets funny, losing my insurance was my fault because I wasn’t preaching anymore. Because I wasn’t preaching anymore, attendance and giving was down. And because attendance and giving were down… well you get the picture I am sure. No more insurance.
But there were other issues as well.
Staying in that house was also a problem. I couldn’t do it anymore–but because it was a stigmatized property, it lost more than half the value of what I owed on it. We lost that too.
And then there were all those who had such a hard time with me remarrying again.
How long did you require me to be lonely?
How many miles did you want to walk in my shoes before you decided it was ok?
Even today there are people, friends and family, who are either distant or just not there.
Most everybody has an opinion of how I should have managed things. Good luck with that plan if it ever happens to you.
Some of us don’t get to live in fairy tale land anymore…