I am in a good place.
Really, I am.
You may be surprised by that admission even as we both acknowledge my struggle with faith, hope, and trust in God.
My paternal grandfather was a big fan of ‘rasslin. (For my northern friends who like to affect a bit of Yankee sophistication, that’s known as wrestling.)
He wouldn’t go any where on a Saturday unless he was given the promise he could still watch wrestling on TV.
He was a ‘rasslin kind of guy. (It’s real, Butch, it’s real…)
Apparently I share that trait as well. I seem to be stuck in a wrestling match with God about how I view Him–how I understand his nature. Like the biblical Jacob, I may limp from a prolonged engagement with God for the rest of my life.
But even as the battle rages, I am in a good place.
My new wife has blessed me beyond measure. She is the worthy woman of Proverbs 31. She has given me a joy and zest for life. She has become my partner walking side by side facing the challenges before us; hand in hand, she has become my co-celebrant celebrating life’s successes. When I weep, she sits and weeps with me.
I cannot imagine where I would be without her.
Yes, I am blessed.
And yes, I am in a good place.
But therein lies the rub and it is a most difficult thing.
I am in a good place, but since the last week of December through this very week, I have been in a mess.
My life has been fearful, anxious, unfocused, and weird. (Yeah, I know… What’s so new about weird?)
Everyone of those days was lived with the expectation of dying. I expected to die in my sleep or in the deer stand. I was confident my days were greatly numbered. When I told my children good night, I just knew I wouldn’t get to tell them so again.
I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was all ripped away once so how could it not be ripped away again? Why wouldn’t it be ripped away? God didn’t care before so why would He possibly care now?
This time, it was me. I was going to die and lose it all again.
That has been my conviction.
And that is no way to live.
My wrestling match with God continues even in a good place…