Just Waiting: My Evident Mortality

I am in a good place.

Seriously.

Really, I am.

You may be surprised by that admission even as we both acknowledge my struggle with faith, hope, and trust in God.

My paternal grandfather was a big fan of ‘rasslin. (For my northern friends who like to affect a bit of Yankee sophistication, that’s known as wrestling.)

He wouldn’t go any where on a Saturday unless he was given the promise he could still watch wrestling on TV.

He was a ‘rasslin kind of guy. (It’s real, Butch, it’s real…)

Apparently I share that trait as well. I seem to be stuck in a wrestling match with God about how I view Him–how I understand his nature. Like the biblical Jacob, I may limp from a prolonged engagement with God for the rest of my life.

It’s real.

But even as the battle rages, I am in a good place.

My new wife has blessed me beyond measure. She is the worthy woman of Proverbs 31. She has given me a joy and zest for life. She has become my partner walking side by side facing the challenges before us; hand in hand, she has become my co-celebrant celebrating life’s successes.  When I weep, she sits and weeps with me.

I cannot imagine where I would be without her.

Yes, I am blessed.

And yes, I am in a good place.

But therein lies the rub and it is a most difficult thing.

I am in a good place, but since the last week of December through this very week, I have been in a mess.

My life has been fearful, anxious, unfocused, and weird. (Yeah, I know… What’s so new about weird?)

Everyone of those days was lived with the expectation of dying. I expected to die in my sleep or in the deer stand. I was confident my days were greatly numbered. When I told my children good night, I just knew I wouldn’t get to tell them so again.

I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was all ripped away once so how could  it not be ripped away again? Why wouldn’t it be ripped away? God didn’t care before so why would He possibly care now?

This time, it was me. I was going to die and lose it all again.

That has been my conviction.

And that is no way to live.

My wrestling match with God continues even in a good place…

9 thoughts on “Just Waiting: My Evident Mortality

  1. I have been there…..waiting for the other shoe to drop……. just not to the same degree. When my father died of a heart attack I was 17. For 3 weeks afterwards it felt as though an elephant was standing on my chest. I could not even allow my shirt to touch my chest. I just knew I was next.
    Love you brother. Thank you for these post
    David

  2. Les, I just started reading your blog, finding it through a FaceBook note on Patrick Mead’s site. I just read all your posts, to date. As a coC preacher for over 30 years and now a full time funeral director, may I just say, “Amen.” I hear the absolute stupidest things said by sincere people (most of them preachers of some sort), thinking they are really helping. Or, perhaps, thinking what they say reflects their deep spirituality.
    I am very saddened by the events that have brought you to this point in your life and your journey with God, but I greatly appreciate you writing what you’re feeling and I have recommended your blog to others on that dark journey of grief. I have walked it a few times myself and has some of the same questions, accusations, and anger with God. I’ll just leave it at that before I, too, say something stupid … intending it to be helpful. Or insightful.

  3. I went to Orange Grove COC when I first moved to Mississippi. We ended up going to Gulfport with David & Terry. While reading your blog, I’m deeply saddened for the events that took place prior to, during and after what had happened. I got the pleasure to met your wife and son. Both very sweet individuals! While i could never feel anything that you have felt through these horrible times, there are some things that i agree with you on, disagree, and some I can’t believe a man of God let alone an evangelist could ever think. I shed a tear for everything your family has been put through. But I will put all my judgments aside! I will continue to pray for you and your family. Just keep in mind, God didn’t do these awful crimes, and your not the first Christian to go through such horrible things…Satan had Paul Buckman`s heart. Lean on your faith, embrace the past that you had with Karen and Corey, and let Christ walk with you through those awful memories! I will make sure to let my new congregation know to pray for you and your family. In Christian love, Jason!

    • Jason, thank you for reading and commenting. I wish I could remember you but, I don’t. In your comment, you said, “some I can’t believe a man of God let alone an evangelist could ever think.” My first inclination is to be highly defensive. I would typically ask someone who didn’t quite grasp my struggle with God to walk 15 minutes in my shoes and then tell me how they feel then. Instead, I invite you to read the book of Psalms. I am not the first nor the last to rail and rage and question the ways of God. I highly doubt I will ever understand why God’s protection did not extend to my family. And I hope with all my heart that you never have to wrestle with these kinds of questions for they are very hard and life altering. In the meantime, you might consider psalms 10, 22, 42, 44, and 74. I wish you peace upon peace. Feel free please to keep reading and commenting. My words are just expressions of where my struggles lie moment by moment, day by day.
      Les

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