In Your Eye With a Betty Crocker Pie

***Warning: Graphic Details***

In Your Eye With a Betty Crocker Pie

I know. You don’t have to tell me how childish that sounds. But my momma reads this and out of an abundant respect for how she raised me and her own sensitivities, I will resort to the words of playground defiance.

Believe me, after a six year stint in the US Navy, I know lots of colorful expressions more accurately depicting what I would really like to say.

I am aware the name of my blog has raised questions for some. I am ok with that. In fact, as nicely as I can, I really don’t give a flip.

Really.

Ok, Mom. Take a deep breath. I’m actually good–calm, cool, and collected. For this half hour anyway. 🙂 But if I can convey where I am, then maybe some other struggling believers can have people in their corner some day who get where they are.

The astute reader would have already caught what I just said.

I am a believer. 

I have never disbelieved in God. On the other hand, I long for the day when I can feel like God is in my corner and worthy of my trust in Him

But you have to admit, there is a visceral disconnect from God one might expect when learning your handicapped son had been raped multiple times in your own house? By a fellow church member who held a loaded gun to his head no less. And how about this? Mr. Scum-of-the-Earth was taking an ED drug and making my son take it. (If you aren’t getting what I mean, then envision commercials of couples in bath tubs for when the moment is right.)

In the movie Toy Story, Rex said, “Now I have guilt.” I am the King of guilt for ever letting that man in our lives–wolves in sheep clothing and all of that.

Can you wonder why I might struggle with my faith and understanding? Can you grasp why I might need to write and speak and share the reality of my life?

Contrary to the beliefs held so dear by many, every life is not a fairy tale.

Aspects of mine have been far worse than a Brother’s Grimm horror story culminating in the double murder of my wife and son.

Yeah.

I know you know.

I am thankful for the redemption and beauty that has come back into my life since that horrific day. I am grateful for the love I get to experience minute by minute from those who love me still and more.

But God and I? We still have problems. And to be fair, those problems are not new. I have long wrestled with a God who would not heal my boy of his harsh disabilities.

The pain of hurting and crying over a child who wanted so desperately to be like everybody else has been replaced by the horror of of what he and his mother went through… And the subsequent hurt and pain of having to come to grips with that not once, but every single day.

Desperately Wanting To Believe Again is not about disbelieving in God. Rather it is about whether or not or even how to trust Him again.

When others insist on telling me God is going to take care of me, I can point to a day when He most decidedly did not.

Did not.

Desperately Wanting To Believe Again is simply about my journey to hope, trust, and peace with God once more.

I am not there yet, but you are more than welcome to share the ride…

20 thoughts on “In Your Eye With a Betty Crocker Pie

  1. I appreciate this post. You wrote some of what I have been reading between the lines.

    For the naysayers, remember that it is not dishonorable to say to God “I believe, help my disbelief”.

    I love you just like you are, where you are. And I’m not God.

  2. I can’t to even grasp what you have gone through. Me as a mother as well as a christian can’t imagine what has gone through your head or Karen’s. As someone who went to school with with Karen from grade school on it even shook my faith and belief as I asked God where were you when this family tragedy took place. To imagine a mother fighting for her child and you a preacher with everybody watching to see how you handled this situation I can’t began to know how you feel yes your a preacher but also a man so my hats off to you for just being able to put your feelings to words have no doubt your family will continue to be in my prayers.

  3. My son has autism. While that isn’t the same as your son’s disabilities, I’m sure we’ve both done our share of praying and crying over our children.

    I shared in a small group one time about the difficulty we have had in getting and keeping our Medicaid (Matthew gets it through a special waiver and we have to renew it once a year–and the paperwork is a pain!) Afterwards, someone told me to “have a little faith.”

    I came very close to socking the person.

  4. God knows us – he knows our thoughts, our fears, our innermost desires. Hiding them is a bit like Adam and Eve hiding in the Garden, isn’t it? Circumstances in life can leave us angry at and disappointed in God. So many just leave the faith. So many think that you cannot have those feelings, doubts, and questions and be in a relationship with God. I think it takes a great deal MORE faith to have those angry conversations with God, knowing that he could smite you at any moment, but trusting that this loving God is still going to love you even when you don’t understand Him or what He’s doing. I think there is a deeper relationship in the Christian who has suffered and wonders why our loving God would do or allow xyz than in the Christian who has never suffered – never had to ask that why question. I don’t know you personally, but I hope you continue to ask – continue to wonder, and share those feelings with others. In the midst of that “vulnerable faith” is where the real depth lies. I tremendously respect what you are sharing.

  5. Oh, Les, I pray that through this blog and your therapy that someday your pain will lessen. Your tragedy would drive most people over the edge. You are doing remarkably well. We love you!

    Sid and Laura Beauman

  6. Thank you for sharing. Your story made me cry. You are a far stronger man than I am. I thank you for the inspiration you are to so many without realizing.

  7. Les i want you to know how much i respect you, and i will be there for you as you walk this Journey.I love you brother..

  8. Les,

    I’m a friend of Brad Palmore who recommended your blog to me.

    I hope you keep writing. It is very therapeutic (though I’m no psychologist) in dealing with all the raw nerves and tears.

    When my wife had cancer, I sooooo wanted to write a book called, “Things you should never say to a bald headed lady.” I found that turning my anger into sarcasm and humor really helped! My wife and I would sit in the waiting room of the hospital and come up with one-liners for my book. One day we found a cancer joke book in the library of the hospital and the idea (for my book) faded. It had been written!

    Looking forward to your next installment,

    Bill Martin

  9. Les, I’ve always believed that the person with the strongest faith was the one who believed even when it seems he has few earthly reasons to believe. It’s so easy to have faith on the mountaintop, but very difficult in the desert when there is no water and no oasis in sight…

  10. Les,
    I remembered reading your blogs from the past. I thought to myself after this tragedy happened.. that you would one day start blogging again.
    It is intense self-therapy, but also YOU never know WHO you inspire to deal with and face head on the tragedies in their lives that they constantly try to bury. It’s a one minute, one hour, and one day kind of progress.. Keep on keepin’ on Les!
    Stacey G.

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