Sovereign

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

Sovereign in the mountain
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

I love this song.
I hate this song.
I love Chris Tomlin.
I hate Chris Tomlin.

To say I am a conflicted man is a such cliched statement.
Cliched or not, it’s true.

Please understand, what you will read in the pages and chapters of whatever this will ultimately become won’t be for the faint of heart. It won’t be for those whose faith is comfortable or complacent. It may very well be too much for those who cannot handle unvarnished truth and pain.

One page may be raw emotion. Another story may be bittersweet memories of what was lost forever. And still another entry may be rage against the God I believe in… the God whom I have lost my faith, hope, and trust in.

That’s why I both love and hate Chris Tomlin’s song Sovereign.

In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

I want to believe that so badly.
I desperately need to believe again.

And yet.
And yet…

18 thoughts on “Sovereign

  1. And yet…..I understand. I know what you went though, and I can’t pretend to say that I know what that feels like. But I understand the doubt, the desire to want to believe, the inability to force that into being. Thank you for sharing!

  2. I cannot tell you “I know how you feel,” because I don’t. And I refuse to tell you any of the Christian cliches that I’m sure you have heard (and maybe even said) more times than you can count.

    I do know what a faith journey and a faith battle is like. I am on a faith journey of my own, and there are times I feel like it’s forward and backward.

  3. There are many who are not willing to be honest and my Bible says they ( the not honest) may not end up where they want to be. Your honesty reminds me of the man who cried out, “I believe, Lord help my unbelief.” I look forward to hearing more and sharing this journey.

  4. Although I cannot phathom that deep dark despair of what happened, I can appreciate the spark your words contain. Love ya, P.S. Your picture, a little of the pot calling the kettle black, yea i got your message. Ha.

  5. Les – I read your first post here yesterday, but did not comment. I couldn’t, I thought. What would/could I say? So, I slipped away and thought I might just silently follow along for a while to see where your scarred and battered heart and mind and emotions might lead – to see if I might gain any solace or understanding pertaining to my own demons and sometimes overwhelming burdens. Or perhaps encouragement in some way to realize I am not alone in my wondering about how I came to be here where I am in my weaknesses.

    But that would not be fair to you, because you are writing here, just as we all did and have in our own blogs, because we all MUST write, MUST try to communicate, speak, be heard, be understood, be LOVED for who and what we are. We EACH want to be loved more than anything else on this earth and some of that involves finding commonality and community.

    So, I am here reading, comprehending – or questioning when I do not – praying and loving you for having the guts to be honest and true to yourself, no matter what others may think. Maybe they haven’t HAD to think through the things you have.

    I have prayed for you for a very long time, you know, at your request – when was it now – three or so Januarys ago? So many, many things have changed in all our lives since then. I know that’s true in MY life to the degree that I am not even the same person tonight that I was this afternoon (before I talked with my brother for well over an hour about up close life and death issues between the two of us, us both having been Type 1, insulin dependent diabetics, him now 47(!?) years and me closing in on 43(?!).

    Each moment of our lives now holds much significance. But, that’s not just true for me and my brother, but all of us. So, let me continue to lift you up in prayer without ceasing and commend you for taking this first step in your new writings. I await for what I shall learn about myself from you and how I may live a deeper, fuller life in serving God by serving everyone around me or meet along the way.

    God bless you, Les, and goodnight.

    Dee

  6. You are right where you are supposed to be! It is ok to experience the feelings, including anger, you are having. It would not be human to not experience those feelings. I know, I’ve been there.

    On April 11, 2001 my wife was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. What you described is pretty much what I went through. I never knew I could feel such anger towards God and express it in such earthy words. But, the process brought healing, the scars still exist but they have healed. It took several years for them to heal.

    On January 6, 2008 I married again. Like your wife, mine allowed me to feel the feelings that arose from time-to-time. By March of 2008 she was experiencing physical discomfort that eventually led to to the doctor’s office where she was eventually diagnosed with cancer. She died on August 22, 2008. All the emotions and feelings from before quickly rose to the surface, the anger intensified many times over. Out of anger I spoke my own Psalms of Lament and I cared not one ounce how God felt about it. She left behind two teenagers and three adult children (a total of 5). Again, time is proving to provide its own healing salve.

    I don’t claim to understand God’s will in all this. However, her 5 children have become as close to me as my own 2. They have a step father they claim is more of a father to them than their biological ones. There are still moments when the loneliness feels so empty that words do not begin to describe the feelings. Slowly, maddeningly slowly at times, the light at the end of the tunnel appears and seems to be getting closer. My confidence and trust in God is returning – AGAIN!

    I am thankful that God has placed two of His most beautiful women in my life and I look forward to seeing them again. That hope is what keeps me going.

  7. My wife died of cancer almost 5 years ago. In spite of constant prayer and effort, no one has come into my life. At the age of 62 I have just about decided God doesn’t want me to be happy that way anymore.

  8. I’ve missed you, Les. I’ve thought and prayed for you many times. I have carried a small piece of your pain these two long years.

    I’ve prayed for other things too. For instance, I’ve prayed that the whole lot of faith-talking people I know would either get real or shut up.

    Longer ago than I prefer to admit I was dealt a tough hand. I’ve not responded well more often than I have. I’ve allowed bitterness and resentment to turn into uncontrollable monsters that shaded my vision so that everything was a threat and everyone was a jerk.

    But you, my friend, have credibility. I have tried very hard to reserve love and compassion for those who suffer the way I do, and I offer my love to you.

    This comment is a flawed attempt to express how much I am a fan of you and have been for years, even before your task of healing became greater than I can even understand.

    It’s also been my experience that when a person is hurting, well-intended people often say the most hurtful things. I beg your forgiveness if this describes any part of my sentiments.

    Here’s to growing and communing.

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